I force myself to get out of bed, put one foot in front of the other, go
to work, exercise, make plans with friends, all of it. I try so hard to be a
relatively normal person in public and with my friends and colleagues, but it
is so unbelievably difficult and brutal to go home.
I am not OK. I am so unbelievably scared and look forward to nothing. I
panic when I think more than a day or a week ahead.
I am doing everything I can to get through each day, but time is moving
so incomprehensibly slowly. I am leaning on friends and acquaintances (and
sometimes strangers), seeing a therapist regularly, taking prescription
medication to sleep, forcing myself to eat food I don't want so that I don't
get sick, exercising to empty my brain, and filling every moment outside of
work so that the panic and the fear can subside. They haven’t.
Recently, I
came across this where users commented
on what act of betrayal is more harmful to a relationship than infidelity. This
was the first one:
"Giving
up on the relationship for no reason. I'd rather he cheat than hear him say,
'Meh, I don't love you anymore."
This, right
here, is why I can’t move forward. I don’t understand and I don’t think that I
ever will.
